It's a healthy hobby for your enjoyment. Thanks for reading.

Friday, February 25

Underestimation of Tears

Not showing emotion was pretty much what I was taught to do growing up. Why? HMM, that's a hard question I just asked myself. I'd have to say that it might have been to teach me to be stronger, realistic and I'm not sure what else.

However, in a sense I feel that showing emotions have been underestimated, it shows weakness to many but in reality it is a part of our human nature.

Haven't we always heard things like, "Men don't cry." Or sexist remarks such as, "You cry like a girl."

Not that I'm old or anything, but ever since I can remember tears have always been linked with lack of strength.

In a way, I do comprehend that having control over your emotions is essential to growing up but always bottling them up isn't healthy either.

Like I had mentioned in my earlier post, Equilibrium: we need to find balance in these things.

I remember when I was younger, after being yelled at or punished I was forbidden to let ONE tear, drop. Does that sound traumatizing? It probably does but its outcome has been sweet and sour.

For one, I understand that on some occasions or places, tears are probably not appropriate. First thing that comes to mind is the work place. When I apply for jobs online and they have assessments they always ask questions like, "Can people easily tell if you're upset?" I'm guessing the answer they want to hear is no.

Also, in relationships sometimes it isn't a good thing to put yourself completely out there. If you're showing every bit of pain, I think that would just be unbearable.

Again, I insist its finding a balance.

On the other hand, being "trained" to not cry obviously makes it difficult for me to actually cry at times. I'm a girl, this doesn't include chick flicks and depressing world issues. (Ha ha, I have a heart)  I'm referring to just troubles, stress, depression, sadness, anger etc.. Something that is actually serious...  In my case, I tend to bottle that in. As I ponder on this idea, I guess it is just a sense of protecting myself and not letting others see that I can be fragile at times. But, after a certain degree (I can't say I know the exact measure) talking, writing, reading, running, anything that you can possibly do to vent, isn't enough.

Tears are underestimated.

It may take a few sobs here and there to feel relieved or a little less weight.

I hadn't cried in forever, things were just piling up.

My cheeks were going through a drought. And the back of my eyes were preparing a thunderstorm.

Today, the simple act of tearing brought healing.

"Perhaps our eyes need to be washed by our tears once in a while, so that we can see Life with a clearer view again.”
- A.T

Wednesday, February 23

Bus Driver Enlightenment

Bear with me, I must begin with the nerdy details.

So, if I haven't mentioned already I'm a freshman undergrad studying psychology. I'm a nerd, grades are ridiculously important to me. All A's so far.

However, this semester, as required, I'm taking a History course. I can't stand history!!!!

Point is.. we had our first exam and we got our grades back today. Ready for this?

Nerd got a 7 8. 78!!! 78??? REALLY?????????????? BITE ME!

My gosh, that just ruined my day, I was so disappointed and overwhelmed by the grade. Throughout the day I was just in a "down" mood, even my supervisor noticed. I'm usually bubbly.

So, whatever to make things worse I was supposed to have rehearsal for youth group on Saturday, I need my dad to give me a ride. You would think that in a crappy day the least I can get is a ride home.

Yea...NO! I was stuck taking the bus, that takes forever. I'm from New York City, a bus that takes an hour to get some place, is's plain ol' UNACCEPTABLE.

So, I'm stuck taking the bus. While I wait, I crack like a shell, accidentally, with a friend of mine. I just went on and on, she was nice enough to listen and said some cheesy positive things. She made me smile at least. But, I still felt crappy.

5:17pm: I'm waiting at the bus stop, looking down just thinking. Mind you, the bus stops only when you have direct eye contact with the bus driver. That, didn't happen, my mind was elsewhere.

But, thankfully the driver was nice enough to stop. I'm familiar to him.

I walk in, the usual would be, "Good afternoon, how are you? Can I have a transfer?"

Today, was "Hey." A hey that he probably couldn't even hear.

He responds, "Hola, (he tries to speak Spanish) como estas?" He says it really nice and enthusiastically.

"I'm not happy today." I said to him. And I must confess, I cracked like an egg shell once again.

Who in the world vents with a bus driver!?!?!?

Cristina does.

The point is this simple bus driver had ALOT to say. He was very intelligent actually. It got to the point that I said, "Why the heck are you a bus driver?"

He started telling me about his life and how he used to be a musician and what not. Great story, he's been all over the place! I hope to do the same one day. But, that's not the point.

After talking about my horrid day and his life. He asked, "So, how old are you anyway?"
"I'm 18."

"What? Only eighteen? I thought you were like twenty something."

I said thank you because people never believe me when I tell them my age. I look younger to 99% of the world.

"Why is that?" I added.

And his response really made my day.

He says something like this, "Well, its the way you carry yourself. You don't act like an eighteen year old of this generation. You carry yourself with respect and dignity. When I see you, you bring.. (he thinks..) You bring faith... hope even....."

My eyes opened wide, "Wow, thank you that means a lot to me."

I had also said, "That's God working in my life." But I don't think he heard me say that with traffic noise.

I was really happy though, to know that in some way I marked a difference and I stood out to a simple, bus driver. I mean, do we really think about who we're influencing around us.

This week, I was able to read a bible passage with good friends of mine from school. It was the "You are the salt of the world...You are the light of the world" passage.

And as I sat on the second bus to finally get home, I made the connection. One of the things my friends pointed out was, "Jesus didn't say you will be the light... he said you are.." And I thought to myself, Wow!
Without realizing, I was shining and I stood out to this man. I was different, I am the light...

It was so great to be able to connect the dots, it made me smile. However, I still wasn't very happy. When I finally got home, I got my dog's leash and took him for a run. I just needed to breath and think.

I go to the park, accompanied by my furry friend and sat under the naked winter branches. The sun was setting, it was pretty..

I stopped and prayed out loud..

"God, you say to be thankful for everything. So, thank you even though it hasn't been the best day. And thank you because this situation allowed me to have that talk with the bus driver... What you say, goes, and yes I am light..."

That was incredibly meaningful and great. I'm really joyous to see God working in my life. Even though I'm still not accepting a "C" as an exam grade, I know God is in control of everything...

He's the man.

He is the reason why I shine.

Friday, February 4

Overwhelmed by Pro Choice

This semester I'm taking a course called, Medical Moral Theology. And of course, as you might infer we will be debating on controversial health related topics. Topics such as, stem cell research, cloning, health care reform,euthanasia and last but not least: ABORTION.

We were deciding what teams we would be a part of and I really hoped to argue against abortion. However, too many people wanted to be part of that debate team and I wasn't chosen.

The reason why I wanted or still want to be part of that debate team is because one time in my church a PRO LIFE organization/ministry came to talk about their concerns and essentially their take on abortion.
Mind you, before I attended this informative session I was totally for abortion.

I would say things like, "So if I ended up pregnant and I haven't finished school and I'm just not ready to raise a child, I'll just get an abortion...No biggie."

I didn't think it was harmful in anyway. It was simply little spermie and eggy thingies together making some weird chemical things happen, bla not important...GET IT OUT!

However, the speakers that went to my church started talking about it more in depth. Topics like : what are the procedures like, what are the psychological effects that a woman has after an abortion, the health risks of abortion and details about stages of pregnancy that make us understand that from the very beginning of conception a human is being formed and the miracle of life has initiated.

The information was very powerful and meaningful. But it wasn't until they showed videos of each abortion method that I knew I was SO wrong. Seeing tiny humans all bloody and broken killed me. You could already see tiny fingers and a tiny head! But there was one video that showed how doctors insert some sort of apparatus and crush the unborn baby's head in order to get it out of the mother's womb.

I wish I could say I teared, but that isn't enough. I felt so much pain and guilt and confusion, I was crying uncontrollably. My friend who was next to me who knew my initial perspective had to hold me close and console me. I felt sorry that I even considered that to be OK.

It doesn't matter how small in size, a life is huge in value and no one should kill a life for no reason.

Well back to my course dilemma, so regardless that I didn't get into the debate team I came home and started doing some research. I found a link that was PRO CHOICE, meaning for abortion. And my heart sank as I read their ideas about abortion. It seemed to be an outreach for teenagers by the way.

 So they listed reasons why you may consider having an abortion and one of them went something like this, "Having a baby will screw up my life because I haven't finished school and found a career" and "my parents would be disappointed."

I was so deeply overwhelmed by that, how could you possibly say a baby will "screw" me up. That sounds so wrong. But those reasons were nothing, their closing statement got to me even harder.

"Any reason we have for choosing abortion is a good reason. These are our bodies and our lives. No one has the right to force us to have a baby, or to punish us for liking sex."

After I read that statement, I felt embarrassed to be part of humanity. My eyes were opened, I truly perceived how broken and messed up our world is. I am ashamed.

My responses to these ridiculous arguments are
A) If you haven't finished school or found a career: AVOID BECOMING PREGNANT. Birth control and abstinence will do. If you can't handle the consequences of your actions just don't do it!

B) If you're concerned that your parents would be disappointed about you having a child, they're are probably disappointed that you're having sex. Think before you act! And disappointment is part of life, MURDER should not.

C) Having a baby is not a punishment, its the cycle of life. Be smart about sex. Intercourse is the formula to make a child, understand that, let it sink in if it hasn't already.

D) Any reason for murder is not okay. Sure, it is your body but is it really your life? Think about it.

I have refrained myself from responding disrespectfully as I would naturally feeling this angry and disappointed, but its not about pointing a finger and saying you're wrong, its about giving a hand and showing what's right.

My thoughts exclude more difficult and complex situation such a rape or mother's at risk of death. I'm not sure about those. But people having sex and not wanting to deal with their consequences, JUST BECAUSE, is simply not acceptable to my understanding.

Just to mention a few effects on women who have abortions: many seek psychological help afterwards, depression is a big one, women often get hung up on the whole baby idea "My baby would've been born on..." or feel sad when near baby clothing, toys etc.

The PHYSICAL effects are also something important to take in consideration. Many women after having surgical abortions have trouble having children, sometimes their bodies would perform natural abortions and experience other complications in their reproductive system.

So, I'm totally PRO LIFE. And it is sickening to see how people do not value the lives of small people! It's selfish, damaging and it's just NOT our call to decide whether someone has the opportunity to experience human life at its maximum potential!

After feeling so disappointed in HUMANITY and our broken and damaged ways, I am convinced that only GOD can heal and redeem. We are his instruments, we must SPEAK and let ourselves be used by him.

If you would like to see one of the strong videos I have seen regarding this concern go to:


She decided that "it" would "screw" up her life, so look at what she did.

"I've noticed that everyone who is for ABORTION has already been born."
- Ronald Reagan

All images on this blog have been googled, I do not own them.

Tuesday, February 1

Insatiable you are, mankind.

Insatiable, was the word my friend used to describe mankind. Amazing word, very strong and precise.

Insatiable, impossible to satisfy, always wants more. This is so true. For some reason or the other most people have the habit of wanting more than they already have, better yet : more than necessary.

Why is that? I think that the previous statement can not be fought against. Gosh is humanity so thirsty and so hungry!! Desperation seeps within each cell of our body when trying to find wholeness/completion or never ending satisfaction.

There are so many ways of tackling this subject. We can say we're not "grateful," but that's more of a justification. How about looking at it this way, there is a piece inside of you that is actually missing its pair?

What is it that each person deep inside longs for? How do we experience the state of wholeness, separating from the overpopulated state of EMPTINESS or NEED.

Think back for a moment, do you even know what that feels like?

I try not to be biased in my writing, but what the heck! It's my blog..

In moments of deep insight and connection with God and my spiritual being, I have experienced times where I have felt that I need nothing, for God completes me. He is living water. As the "Big JC"  (Jesus) said, "But those who drink of the water that I will give them will never be thirsty..." [In the gospel of John]

That's me though... But what else can possibly fill the vacancy in your life that is always being bombarded with new materials, new relationships, new success...

Mankind is more complex than material gain, I HOPE!

It's like saving for something you really really really really want!

Example:   Growing up in the Big Apple, the great New York City. Filled with ambition, opportunity, busy life, social pressure etc.. One of the big things growing up there is the obvious and ridiculous pressure in IMAGE. Style, clothing brands, shoes, hair! I look back now and I am in awe at how I was so influenced by the norms that God know who established ! I longed for a different pair of sneakers like every other week. I would save save save. I thought having the right image would complete me. But after getting whatever shoe I wanted ... I was happy for a split second. Two days later, a new pair of sneakers were in style... And it was an ongoing cycle. Annoying, yes, expensive, indeed. But it really depicts how we're never fully satisfied for more than a brief moment.

So again, I'd like to think that we, the people (Ha..) are more than that. It's more than material, success, recognition, ambition...

I think that its something deeper that fills the vacancy within us that it is OH SO highlighted in our society...

Our insatiable society...

How can we let that last drop settle and be filled to the brim...?